Sunday, February 19, 2012

i miss you. i miss being with you. i miss laughing at your jokes. i miss hugging you. you are such a dick but if you wanted me back i would take that chance in a second.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

chran vs....everything

Hi. I guess this is just a personal post. To vent out feelings and stuff.

So when I got back from rehearsal today I did a monologue to myself in the bathroom mirror. I thought it would be therapeutic but it was just kind of awkward. It turns out that I can't make coherent speeches even in private. How am I going to handle an interview?

Anyway, it's just the play I guess. I'm supposed to be this neat-freak uptight mess of a woman, whose husband just decided that he wanted a divorce and I'm supposed to be this total trainwreck. And my teacher, the director, of this play (The [Female] Odd Couple) wants me to be totally aloof and drama queen-y about that scene. You know what I mean? Like when you're pissed at someone and you show it by kind of ignoring them so they would get this guilty feeling? Like this:

Person: What's wrong?
You: It's nothing.
Person: Was it something I did?
You: No.

Except you say in that tone of voice that implies that EVERYTHING is wrong, even though you say nothing is. It's kind of emotionless, the way she wants me to do it.

And for some reason, I JUST can't do it right. Everything about the way she wants me to act that scene is just so wrong. I can't connect with it, and I can't make it funny when she wants me to be emotionless. Every time I do it the way that she wants me just feels so wrong!

So right before I went on today, I tried to get into my character. I thought of the saddest boy experience I've ever had (which, given my limited boy experience, isn't very sad at all) and by the time I got on stage I was very moody and very decidedly, Not Having A Good Time.

I tried to channel the way I felt about that other boy and into Florence, about how she felt about Sidney, her husband, divorcing her. The problem is, now that I'm so moody, acting (performing) doesn't feel fun anymore. And if I'm not having a good time, why am I doing it?
You see, the way I act is that I have my character, and I have me, separate from my character. When I am onstage, I am 75% the character and 25% me. I use the 25% percent to monitor the audience and use that energy and channel it into how I should say the line. And of course the 75% is how the character would say it and act and you know, the usual. And that's how I make my performances funny; it's because I still have that separation to connect with the audience.

My drama teacher/director says that the problem with me is that I'm never "in the moment." I guess that's true because I still have that 25% of awareness. The fact is, I'm scared and unwilling to let myself go all the way. Because if I do, I might forget about that audience, and that way I can't connect with them. I'm just in my own little bubble of that character. And that makes my personal fundamental rule: "Make it entertaining."

What are actors there for if not to entertain the audience? The whole point of theater is entertainment, isn't it? And if I get so caught up with myself, I'm not having a good time, and neither is the audience.

So today, when I tried to get in character before hand, with the weeping and frustration and the near crying and anger, and I tried to act with this...emotion that I thought Florence had with just felt wrong. Because I was caught up in the way that I felt, and I could no longer feel the audience. I wasn't having a good time, and I don't think the audience was either.

The way that the director wants me to play it doesn't feel real. It feels claustrophobic and fake. It's definitely not the way I would have chosen to play the character, and frankly, I don't know how to do what she wants me to do.

Just...ugh. Whatever. I'll figure it out.


P.S. I leave you with this video of me practicing a song for my school's glee club. Yay!

I have no idea why I was giggling so much.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

9 Things About Me

1. You know those girls on Tumblr that are like, "OMG...I love texts in the morning! So cute!" Yeah, well I hate them. Not the girls, the texts. They just cause stress and anxiety in my life. Instead of enjoying the sensation of being the chosen one a special boy decides to text in the morning, now I have to spend my day contemplating what to text back. Which brings me to my next point:

2. I am a terrible texter. I am about as sexy as a dead fish over text (and probably in real life. Except I can touch people in real life). So boys, a word of advice: If you want this relationship to happen, don't expect me to text you something sexy or anything. This is my equivalent of a sexy text: oh my god the fanfic i just read was SO HOT. AKUROKU FOREVER<333!!!!!!

3. There is one thing you have to understand about me: I love Chuck. Enough said.

4. Nothing is going to get in the way of me and my dreams. I know what I want, and I know that I will get it. You can sneer at me all you want, but I know it's going to happen. To take the wise words of Owen: "Haters gonna hate, because it's their job to hate."

5. Once upon a time, a girl who loved to draw. What does one do when one loves to draw? Obviously, they make a comic. So yeah, there's a plan for a comic in my cranium that's just floating around. It would be super freaking awesome if I got on with it and just started it already. Unfortunately, I am a very lazy person and I haven't drawn in a while so my drawing skills have severely depleted. It's okay, the story's going to come in handy one day.

6. I love blondes. I want to have white-blonde hair. Like, lighter than platinum...think Babydoll from Sucker Punch. It's going to be awesome! I also love blond boys and the only reason for that is because I have a fetish for Roxas from Kingdom Hearts. He turned me that way!

7. Okay, here's a shocking secret: I don't love cats THAT much. Or at least, as much as most people believe.

8. I get really excited when it seems like we are taking a turn towards the future. What I mean by that is you know when we watch those cool futuristic movies? And everything is super high tech and awesome? I hope that we can evolve into that more advanced stage sometime in my lifetime.
And maybe making contact with other planets and lifeforms as well. In a friendly way of course.

9. I often wonder of what I am the most scared of. I realized my answer today; it isn't growing old alone (though the prospect of that is pretty frightening) or death. I am afraid of the process of dying. What does it feel like to have your life wiped away? Do you realize it? What happens afterward? You blink one second and the're simply not there anymore? That's why I'm afraid of fainting or sedation. Guess I'm going to have to confront it next month when I get my wisdom teeth out though. Who knew it was such scary stuff?

Goodnight and Happy Thanksgiving!

Things I Want to Say to People

So I saw this post on Tumblr where you do the typical "one post per day" things and the first one was "10 things you want to say to 10 people." Well, first of all, everybody is on tumblr, so no I don't want my personal private thoughts for everyone to see even though no one is supposed to know who I'm talking to. Second, I don't even have 10 people that I want to say things to. So I'm going to put it here instead because I haven't updated with my life in a while.

Person Number 1: I have thought very long and hard about what I want to say to you. And only one word comes to mind: bitch. It's like you try everything you can to make me feel worthless but I'm sure that's not true...because why would you give a fuck about what anyone other than yourself thinks anyway? Good luck with your life. I'm sure it won't change without me in it.

Person Number 2: You are the very definition of a douche bag. How the fuck do you think you can just treat someone like that? Girls aren't just some piece of meat, asshole. Grow a pair and reject me to my face, dickwipe.

Person Number 3: Sometimes I have no idea what is going on with you and I wish I would do something to change your mind, but I have to sincerely thank you. You are almost the only person that has always been there for me and listen to me complain pretty much everyday about things that no relation to you at all. You support me, give me advice the best you can...thank you. You're a great person even if not a lot of people can see it.

Person Number 4: You frighten me. Sometimes I really respect you and sometimes I don't. You can't blame a girl for feeling confused when a person that's supposed to be a mentor mood swings everyday. Sometimes you are like a premenstrual tween and sometimes you are an crabby old man. How am I supposed to learn from you if I don't even know how to talk to you???

Okay, that's all I can think of for now. I will add individual ones later, I'm sure. I've been in such a depressed mood lately, I don't know why. It's stayed ever since I got my braces on but I don't want to just solely put the blame on that...though it's probably true.

Sometimes there's only so much rejection a girl can take.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

chran vs. school

Hi! I haven't bloggity blogged in a long, long time. School, ya know. You know what, though? It's unfair. It's as if what we do now determines the rest of our lives, and how people judge us. What my APUSH grade is would make or break my GPA, what my SAT score is, they both contribute to my college application. It's like what I really want to do, act, wouldn't even matter. It's what I freaking got on my multiple choice question test in APUSH last week.
I'm sure I'm not the only teenager complaining about this, but really. It's sad how people judge a person on what college they go to or what they choose as a profession (okay, I'm not talking about like, prostitution). Where did all the passion go? I guess it doesn't matter anymore in our world.
Sigh. I guess I'm a bit down because the SATs are in a month and a half (shit, really?) and that probably won't even be the end of them. Oh yeah, and also the fact that my APUSH grade was published today and I have a freaking 78% percent. I'll just be glad if I pass that class with an 80%. Pleeeeeease.
Well, in other news, I got a part in the school play, Deathtrap. I play Helga ten Dorp. UCLA did do a lot, I guess.

The sad part is I can't even be happy doing what I love because of all the fucking other stuff that's in the way.

See you later,

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

chran vs. ucla (overview)

Hi guys! So I guess I'd better conclude my UCLA adventures, huh? I doubt anyone really cares except for me, but that's okay :-) I guess this blog is in some ways, therapeutic.

Screen shot 2011-08-09 at 9.51.10 AM

And thus concludes probably the best summer of my life. When I first signed up for this camp, I thought it was going to be all hard work, and yes, some fun. Truthfully, I had no idea what to expect. I didn't even know if I'd make friends. But what it turned out to be was definitely different than whatever I had thought.

Photo on 2011-07-02 at 00.10 #3
Coudn't have asked for better room mates :-)

In some ways, this was an escape. I got to live how I wanted, do what I wanted, spend what I wanted, BE who I wanted...when I came home, all the realities of life instantly came back. Wow, that sounds kind of deep. What I meant was, at home I constantly had reminders of people all around me telling me to do my SATs, my homework, go jogging, everyone was telling me I didn't have enough time. At UCLA, the first thing we did when we got into constructive meditation mode is say, "I have time," out loud. When I came home, all the stress of the normal life came back and life at UCLA seemed like a really nice, missed dream.
I feel like, as cliched as this sounds, while I was there, I discovered more of myself. With people that I could really relate with, and be myself around, I started finding my true personality.

All that and MORE. Along with all that spiritual mumbo jumbo, I also learned, OH YEAH! What I went there for. How to act. This entire experience was one I'd truly never forget. I learned and did so many things. Let's count:
Screen shot 2011-08-07 at 5.17.44 PM
3. Rocky Horror in LA!
4. Vintage shopping!
5. Going to Disneyland for free!!!!
wooooo everyone!
6. Being an extra in an ACTUAL, LEGIT MOVIE! (The movie in question is Struck By Lightning, starring Chris Colfer!!!)
7. Learning what the smell of pot was. LOL
8. Taking my first lesson in film acting!
9. Learning how to take the bus everywhere!
11. And oh yeah, how to act. :-)

AND SO MANY MORE COUNTLESS THINGS. And stuff I probably shouldn't put on here ;-) Okay, it's nothing that scandalous. I wish it were LOL. Believe me. And another thing:

12. Always try new things. You never know what you might regret not doing.

I learned what it was to regret. But sadly, there's nothing I could do about it now. And that's the worst thing. AND THAT IS WHY I URGE YOU TO TRY NEW THINGS.

All that aside, I love UCLA. It was definitely an experience I could never forget or replace. I urge you all to TAKE THE CHANCE.
It's worth it. :-)


Wednesday, July 20, 2011

chran vs. the acting final

Hi guys! Today we had our acting final where we had to perform a fairytale in class. I did Red Riding Hood. The catch was that it was only two people, 5 minutes, using outside music, and limited words. Actually we're supposed to have no words, but we bent the rules a little ;-)

Check mine out!

Lol trust me, it's better in real life, I'm not too sure what the person was doing when she filmed this, but it's ok! :-) Just watch this but imagine it to be more awesome and epic ;-) Yay!